Follow the following, and I can guarantee a better world.
Read all of it to see what I mean.
Vote
Time to choose the lesser of two evils. Exercise your supposed democratic rights by choosing which affluent son or daughter of privilege will be the next blue blood to pretend to represent the paltry concerns of the poor and middle class majority. Take extra care to make sure you choose someone who won’t forget his or her wealthy elitist friends while in office.
Go to school
Pay tens of thousands of dollars to get an education that qualifies you to work the register at a gas station. Make sure to drink a lot of beer and have a lot of sex. You might as well enjoy yourself while you can.
Treat veterans with respect
After all the patriotic hullabaloo dies down, make sure to not notice or care when federal budget cuts are announced that decimate medical and psychological services for those impressionable, employment hungry “heroes” that wound up fighting a bullshit war half war around the world for no real reason whatsoever.
Restrict immigration
The last thing you need are dirty immigrants coming to your country and messing with the job market, burdening the system, or plotting to blow something up. Never mind that many fifty-year-old immigrants will work at fast food restaurants while lazy youths refuse to because it’s “beneath them”. Forget that foreigners are so stupid that they learn two languages compared to your masterful grasp of one language - “piss poor English”. Forget that, years ago, your ancestors were dirty immigrants themselves. Forget all that and just remember: it’s your haven of freedom and equality - not theirs!
Make and spend money
Never forget that as long as you buy into a system that keeps you preoccupied with consumption, economic ambition, greed, and mistrust, you’ll never have the time, energy, or desire to care about trivial matters - such as invading foreign countries for economic gain or the mishandling of tens of millions of dollars of government sponsorship money.
Someone has to do it
Some people are born to lead and others are born to dig ditches. Never forget that rich people run the country for a reason and you dig ditches for a reason. Which is ironic being that rich politicians are often masters at shoveling shit and “the people” are supposed to be the voice of true democratic government. But enough with wasting time thinking about what you can’t change; get back to work!
Trust no one
Anyone could be a terrorist or up to no good. It’s best if you spend a lot of time concerning yourself with worrying. That way you tend not to notice the things that “are” happening to you, like the slow strangulation of your liberties.
Get plenty of exercise
Looking to flatten that stomach and lose that fat ass? There’s nothing better than slogging through the shattered wasteland of a foreign country with a fifty- pound backpack on your back and a trusty semi-automatic rifle at your side.
Fun in the sun
Unlike the wealthy elitists in government who can afford to go to expensive locales for their holidays (maybe even on your dime), you have to settle for something a little more financially practical. Your best bet is to go and bask in the sun at a nice resort in a country where you can impose your idea of a “cheap holiday” on the locals who have 98% less than you do. There’s nothing better than the financially limited people of one country exploiting the financially limited people of another country while the governments of both live like kings, is there?
Recycle it
Make sure to do your bit to help save the planet by recycling your bottles, cans, and paper. Not that it will make a realistic dent in the amount of landfill produced in a decade, but it sure will make you feel better.
Nuke ‘em
The only protection from madmen who tyrannically rule over rogue states is to make sure we have enough nuclear weapons to kill everyone and everything on the planet 100 times over. Better yet, we had better make a few more just to be safe and, while we’re at it, have someone develop a multi-billion dollar missile defense system that we can sell to other countries just like door to door insurance salesmen. As luck would have it, someone in government happens to have a friend who has a friend who just so happens to own a company that makes missile defense systems and other impressive gadgets. How much will it all cost? Do we have solid proof that all those madmen out there have nukes? Does it matter?
Go green
Everyone would like to help save the planet, stop global warming, and reduce harmful emissions produced by industry and other machines, but they’re out at the moment making sure that the billionaires that control the auto industry can comfortably afford cryogenic chambers for their families and family pets so that when the earth becomes inhabitable they can be put into deep sleep and shot into space.
What you don’t know won’t kill you
Only crazy people spend their time questioning the government. Remember that. Because you don’t want anyone to think you’re crazy, do you?
Blame it on the reds
In the past we had to do some pretty terrible things to make sure that Communism didn’t spread and threaten our freedom. It’s not our fault that we had to use other people to make sure that everyone felt safe at the mall, at the movies, and at the beach.
It’s classified
Sometimes it’s best that everyone doesn’t know the truth. That way people can feel okay about being lied to. Hell, they might even come to like it!
